versusseeker | maskormenace

[Blue's voice trails off and Red knows that he can't pick it back up for him. He stands from where he'd been sitting on the couch, curling his arms around himself in that familiar, insecure hug. But his expression is cold, flat - no more so than usual, really, but he knows that Blue can sense what's beneath it.

[He tries to look him in the eye, but his eyes end up going down to his shoes instead, and he stays quiet for a long moment. A very long moment.

[And then finally, he manages a soft, hoarse:]

You're back.

[I'm back, I'm sorry, I'm not good enough for this-- how did he pick, really? He drags his feet as he forces himself in closer, tries to put on just a bit of the bullshit he usually builds around himself, if only to get himself through this enough to get out what he needs to say.]

[He stops on one side of the table in front of the couch, Red on the other,and drops his bag there carefully. He pauses, rolling his shoulder with a frown, buying a little more time to build up any amount of courage to say the words he has to say.]

[He has to. He has to know, after all of this. Blue reaches forward, grabs Red by the shoulders, looking him in the eye as best he can with the way he always used that cap to avoid him.] If you want me to go, I'll go. Just say it.

[Give him an easy out. Just let them both run from it forever, if that's what Red wants.]

[Red starts a bit when Blue grabs his shoulder, but by the time he hears the words that leave Blue's mouth, he's nearly glaring. He lifts his head, makes eye contact from beneath the brim of his had - solid, strong. He stays there for a moment, locked in it, something burning beneath those eyes.

[And then he wraps too strong arms around the man in front of him, pulling Blue down hard against his chest.]

No.

[No, he wants him to stay. He's so tired of running away - either one of them. He doesn't want to let go - he won't. Not until things are better. Not until they're lying in bed together again, breathing each other in.

[He buries his nose in Blue's hair, grip only tightening, and he repeats it.]

No.

Stay.

You need to stay.

[Blue is crumbling, he's starting to fall apart in Red's arms, but he can't-- not until he says what he needs to say. Not until he knows for sure--]

[He pushes back against Red's grip just enough to get his hands on his face, cupping, and stares him down eye to eye, forehead to forehead. Honest, painful, but open- like it should've always been.]

I've... I've never been good, and... I don't know if I can be better, either. But I need to know, for sure... if you really wanna be with me. Even though I'm...

[Weak, a coward, a crybaby. He tries to blink away the tears, so he can see that seriousness in Red's eyes- that strength he's always admired, that's always held him up. He has to know that it'll be there, even if he's the one that breaks it, sometimes.]

I love you.

[The words come out fast, barely before Blue can even finish his sentence. And they're just as strong as ever - determined, just the same way it sounds when he's about to face a new battle. And he takes Blue's shoulders in his hands, keeping that same, intense eye contact.]

I do.

[He wants to be with him, whatever it takes. For all the challenges these two have overcome - inside of each other ~~(hue)~~ and out - this shouldn't be any exception. Just another battle they can win - together.

[He knows it. He'll show Blue if he has to. But he isn't letting him go.]

[He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand how Red, with so many people who adore him, with so many who love him and could easily be kinder, gentler- how he could possibly want Blue by his side despite all that. Blue might have always been the social butterfly of the two, but when it came to having real friends, real, meaningful connections...]

[Well. Red was always the one who formed bonds, wasn't he? And Blue was just a lonely braggart with no friends, save the one he turned against out of his own weak-hearted jealousy.]

[And that was what he deserved, he figured, no less so after this week.]

[He shudders out a deflated sigh into Red's grip, burying his head against the other man's chest, and wraps his arms around tight. He didn't understand it, and maybe he never would, but he loved Red. Even though his own weakness got in the way of it, sometimes, he knew it more surely than he knew anything else about himself. If Red wanted him, by his side he'd stay. Quietly, he mumbles against him.] I love you, Reddy.

[Blue's words put a lump in Red's throat. It's all he's wanted to hear - what he's been desperate to hear - for the past week now. But he can't help that small pang of bitterness that he feels as he remembers those nights, alone in one of Archie's spare rooms, tears leaking into a warm pillow.

[Then, he remembers that that's how Blue must have felt - how Red now knows that he felt - for three years.

[And now that lump is growing.]

I love you.

[He barely chokes it out into Blue's hair, squeezing even tighter, but a moment later and his grip loosens. He pulls away again, eyes locking with Blue's once more, but gentler this time - filled with remorse.]

You saw them?

Mine?

[He doesn't wait for an answer. He can't. For once, he wants to talk-- He wants Blue to know, anyway. And there's only one way to get that message across:]

I'm sorry.

[Blue doesn't want to meet his eyes, the way that question hits him feeling like an accusation, like some dirty knowledge he shouldn't have. And it is, sort of, but he doesn't want to dwell on it any longer than he's had to already.]

[Maybe that's why Red has such a sad look in his eyes. But he owes it to Red to own up to putting it there, in the end, doesn't he? He shakes his head, brushing fingers under his cap to see his eyes better.] No, don't....

[He could tell him what he thought Red had felt, ignoring him all those years... Or how he'd only ever done it because he was scared to lose Red's attention in the first place. But he didn't have to. Red already knew, now, didn't he? Just as much as Blue knew now how he'd been waiting just for the simplest of apologies that never came.] It's not... your fault.

[They'd both just been stupid, proud kids.]

It is.

[Another quick answer, and Red gives Blue just the softest, saddest of smiles before putting their foreheads together. It lifts his cap up in the process - nearly knocks it off, but Red doesn't seem to notice. He's still smiling, eyes glistening, and in a broken voice, he whispers:]

I didn't know.

[Blue huffs, frustrated for a moment, but he just lets it out with a puff and sinks against him. Whatever; Red was, of course, always the type to blame himself for not moving the world to save a Pidgey, so to speak.]

[But he knows too that there were even worse feelings in there, beyond the bitterness and the exhaustion and the drained feeling, that Red must be apologizing for. He just shakes his head slowly. It was what he deserved, after everything. Of course Red would hate him for bullying all the life out of him. For taking away that fire that had always been in his eyes. Even his Pokémon... No wonder Pikachu hated him. He'd never wanted his own Pokémon to see him that way again, either, but here he was running off from his problems and using them as his crutch once again.] ...Are they okay? [He muffles into Red's shoulder, head dipping down once again.]

...?

[Are they okay? Red's brow furrows for a moment. His Pokémon? Of course they're okay-- Well, Red knows that now anyway. All of the guilt he'd been feeling, every memory of what he'd put them through - those weren't his. They were Blue's. He can still feel it in the pit of his stomach, though. Just imagining how the man before him must feel, his heart sinks again, and he holds him just a little closer, nodding into his hair.]

They're okay.

[They're not angry at you-- Well, aside from Pikachu, maybe. He's been standing only a foot or two away, giving Red the space he needs, but his ears are back, little eyes set in a soft glare while the two trainers embrace.

[But that's Pikachu. Always on the defense when it comes to Red. It doesn't matter how many silent messages his trainer might be sending him.]

Are you?

[Red lifts Blue's chin up as he says this, putting their foreheads together again and raising his eyebrows, gaze locking with Blue's.]

[Of course the little rat was there to huff over the entire scene, but Blue tried to ignore that. If he had his piece to say to the thing, it would be when Red was otherwise occupied. And probably, it was inevitable that he would.]

[But he knows the feelings Red must have had, as he knows how he remembered his own Pokémon desperately trying to cheer him up all those days, of Eevee curling into his lap and Arcanine around him, of all his Pokémon cuddling close as he sobbed and broke down again and again.]

[And of asking them, why, why would they ever stick by someone that had treated them so poorly?]

[He never knew the answer, and maybe he never would. But he'd be damned if Red had to ever feel that pain, for all the love and care he poured into all Pokémon. He looks up into Red's eyes as he turns the question onto him, and he wants to look away badly, and lie.]

...I'm okay. [He mumbles, eyes flicking down as he tries to anyway.]

[The lie is clear. Normally, maybe Red would just let that go. After all, even if Blue isn't okay right now, he will be - they both will be. Red's decides that right then and there. He's not about to let go of this, of Blue, so the only way to go is up.

[But they're never gonna be able to get there if they don't talk to each other. It's just like Archie had said in that network post. They need to communicate.

[For Red, that's definitely easier said than done. But he's ready to try. He has to.

[Cupping Blue's cheek, Red lifts the man's head, forcing him to meet his eyes. His expression is gentle, but firm, and his voice matches it (however soft it might still be).]

Tell me.

[Blue's mouth sets, and faced with Red this close, this inescapable, he can't help his eyes beginning to water and his lip wobbling. He sucks in a sharp breath to stop the first hiccup, holding it all back.]

[If he says anything, it feels like it'll let go. He waits a long few seconds.] Even if you forgive me... [He starts with his held breath and then stops again, presses his lips, slowly inhales another, shaky one, and turns his eyes down again as his eyes burn.] I don't think I can ever...

[Red's heart sinks, along with his expression, at those broken words, that wobbling lip, Blue's burning eyes. He pulls the man in closer against him, holding Blue's head to his chest and burying his face in his hair, shaking his head.]

Blue...

[As usual, Red doesn't know what to say. But he has to try. Especially after knowing what he knows now, how much Red's lack of words could destroy the man he loves, the man he's always loved.

[He pulls away again, faces him again, holds either side of Blue's face in his hands.]

It's over.

It's okay.

I love you.

I always have.

[He can't hold it back forever, and Red's voice, his words, his words- like dreams drifting into his ears, just the sound of them before the meaning even registers in his brain, and his eyes overflow down his face. He's nodding his head in Red's hands, red-faced and wet-cheeked and sniffing back the sobs.]

[It means more than Red can ever know just for him to say something, let alone so frankly. Growing up so used to grasping blind, to guessing at what Red is thinking, what he's feeling- it's taken its toll enough on Blue, and even though he isn't sure he can ever truly forgive himself, it gives him hope that maybe... just maybe, things can work out. Maybe he can really believe in this, that being with Red will be okay.]

[He stretches up on his tiptoes, leaning forward to brush his lips against Red's with his hands steadied against his chest, and lets out a shaky breath.] I'm sorry. I'm sorry....

It's okay.

[Red whispers it again, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around Blue, pressing their lips together again and again while the wetness of his lover's tears hit his own cheeks. Then, again:]

It's okay. [He whispers.] I forgive you.

maskormenace | IC Contact

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